I have spent some time recently wondering what the meaning of my life has been so far. What has my life meant to my country, the world and my people; those with mental illness? Have I made my mark yet? Looking forward to the years ahead, have I built a foundation for myself that I can use to push ahead and do something worthwhile?
Looking back, I don't see where I have done much of anything productive. I think that this may be true for many 20-somethings. After high school, a person goes to college or works and for many these daily routines are not the central concentration of life. Instead, life is about having a busy social life, finding love or finding sexual conquests and maybe getting some drink on.
The question that I am asking of myself now is, what did I do after high school? Foremost in my mind is my love life. I dated around a bit. First came my time with Timmy, which I would not repeat if I could go back and do it again. It was eight months of drugging, a bit of abuse and the making of memories which very rarely come up in conversation now, even with friends who were there. A general waste of my time, though I think Timmy taught me what to watch out for in a man, as I tried to avoid repeating that mistake. I progressively got closer to my perfect mate; first with Martin, who I hate to admit was a rebound from Timmy, as he was truly a good guy. And then there was John. There isn't a blog post long enough to recount my time with him. My time with John was perhaps my most productive time spent in my 20's. Speaking only of self discovery, being with John helped me find out who I am as it relates to who I should be with. Because of John, I know that I am more of a sexual person than many, not at all political, someone who falls asleep through conversation about numbers, science and automobiles and that I am a genuine person, deserving of someone just as real. Finally, I met who I plan to spend the rest of my life with in my 20's. Mikey came along when I was 23. I would not have guessed I would want to live my life with a conservative, voting American who wants to raise children and likes to shoot deer. But as it turns out, he has the temperament, stability, love of family and sexual appetite that I need in my life.
In the time that I found my true love, I also tackled the monkey on my back and tied him into submission. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 22, many years after discovering that something was wrong at as a child and teenager. Much of the worst my disease could do to me was contained by the bit of control my parents had over me. But in my 20's, I had to learn to gain control of my own life. My bipolarity tripped me up at every turn. I would meet a good guy, and treat him like dirt because I could not control my moods. I scared away friends by betraying them; both small and huge betrayals. When I wasn't causing my friends to leave me, I would leave them. The number of break ups with friends cannot be counted on all my fingers and toes, I was so quick to dismiss people for the slightest flaw. In the end I only hung on to two of my friends, at times by the tiniest thread. And finally, I struggled to make it in every place I worked. Nearly losing my first job as a contractor to the navy due to my monthly migraines and the death of a friend; both made more difficult to handle due to my untreated bipolar disorder. My second job with an internet service provider was jeopardized by a manic episode. My third, as a nanny, by my inability to control my spending for a time just long enough to cause me to file for bankruptcy and more notably, have my car repossessed, which caused me to be unable to get to work. My final job as a phone sex operator was doable for someone who is ill and I got by well enough until finally finding my calling working for an education and advocacy group focused on those who are mentally ill.
And what about my career in my 20's? What was my work worth? What kind of mark did I leave? I worked jobs that meant little to my personal belief of what makes up the greater good. I understand that military is a necessary thing for a country to have, but personally, I do not care to aide my country in that aspect. As a nanny, surely I helped the families I babysat for, but did little to further my belief that I contributed to society. I don't think there is any doubt that ISPs are necessary, but what meaning is there in providing internet to the U.S.? Finally, while I enjoyed my time entertaining a massive number of men, I don't think my callers walked away feeling their lives improved for having gotten off to me.
As I get ready to enter my 32nd year of life, I can't look back and say that I feel great about the decade before. But I got by and landed in a place where life seems brighter. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my twenties and started finding out what that means, I began my career aiding those with mental illness; starting my fight for a cause that is closest to my heart and I began my life with the One, who will help me to create my family. I look forward to what I hope will be another 50+ years of life and hope that in that time I make my mark.
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